The Wild and Raunchy Adventures of Hinata Hyūga
by Midnight-The Angel of Darkness
Summary: Her life was supposed to be simple. Become a great ninja, become clan head, and prosper. Failure was not an option. However, nothing in life is ever as easy as it sounds. Especially not when dango is involved—HEY, WAIT, WHERE DID THAT SNAKE COME FROM?


Just a little something I couldn't get out of my head. This is going to be a series of related one-shots. I think. I'm really bad at updating stories, so sorry if the next chapter takes a while. Enjoy!

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_**The Wild and Raunchy Adventures of Hinata Hyūga:  
Prologue~ Is that Dango I smell? **_

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Reading the file before her, Tsunade couldn't help but to sigh. Well, it couldn't be helped any longer. Drastic times, called for drastic measures. She tried to put it off as long as possible, but it was near impossible to do so anymore. It was a shame, really. She did excellent in her training. It was just the missions she failed at. Even the most simple of missions, she ruined.

Hell, she almost got herself and the Genin she was working with killed two days previous.

On a D-ranked mission.

Pulling weeds.

In her own back yard.

Tsunade still couldn't figure out how she managed it, exactly. And if she wasn't so frustrated with the young Kunoichi, she may have been impressed with her feat. However, as it was, she was causing the village to lose money. Money they desperately needed after Orochimaru had invaded all those months ago.

Shaking her head, she put the file down.

This was going to be tough, but what choice did she have? She was the Hokage for crying out loud! She had to put the village before a single individual. Surely everyone would see that?

"Shizune, can you bring me Hyūga Hinata? She should be training with her team right about now in training ground thirteen," Tsunade called out to her assistant, not looking forward to the disapproving look she was going to give her.

Shizune stuck her head in the office at what she was told, and whispered, "Are you sure about this, Ma'am?"

Tsunade nodded her head with her eyes closed so she wouldn't have to look at Shizune, "It can't be helped. Every mission she's been a part of in the last six months has ended in ruin. And this last time, she nearly got herself, and her teammate killed. And she wasn't even outside of the village walls."

A sad look appeared in Shizune's eyes as she realized it was all true. Hinata had shown so much promise, but as soon as Naruto left, it seemed to have disappeared. It was solely because of her that even the lowest of low D-rank missions ended in disaster for their team.

"You know what Hiashi will do if you do this, don't you?" Shizune quietly asked, trying one last time to reason with her.

Slamming her hands down, Tsunade shot up from her seat and yelled, "Of course I know what will happen, why do you think I've been putting it off for so long?! But I can't do anything about it anymore! When she puts not only her own life but also her teammates lives on the line, I have no choice but to step in!"

Shizune lowered her head. She knew Tsunade was right. She had to put the good of the village before the life of one Kunoichi, no matter what the outcome was.

"I understand," she whispered, before turning around and slamming the door behind her.

She may have understood, but that didn't make her any less pissed.

Tsunade fell into her seat as the door closed shut behind her assistant. Putting her face into her hands, she cursed.

She had no choice but to strip Hinata of her rank and force her to live life as a civilian. And because of what she was about to do, her father would be forced to brand his eldest child, and cast her to the branch house, all because she wasn't very good at being a ninja.

She was sending Hinata a death warrant, she was sure.

She wished she could help her, but it just wasn't possible anymore. Everything she had tried just ended in ruin.

"Why does this job have to be so hard?!"

Picking up the lamp from her desk, she tossed it across the room. Because she released a good amount of chakra before letting it go, it easily crashed through the wall to her office.

"Dammit!" she hissed, as she moved toward the hole to see how bad the damage was.

A hole in her office was yet another problem that she didn't want to deal with. If only she hadn't finished the last of her sake, maybe she wouldn't have been so stressed?

Just as she was about to stick her head through the hole, another person's face blocked her view.

"Oh, nice throw. Should I come back later?" the woman asked, with her head cocked to the side.

Tsunade's eyes widened.

An idea popped into her head. A crazy, wonderful, awful idea…

Hinata was sure to hate her after this, but what choice did she have? It was either this, or death, and Tsunade was sure Hinata would choose anything but death.

Her eyes began burning with a fire that wasn't there moments before as a smile lit up her face.

"No, actually, you're just the person I wanted to see!"

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When the apprentice of the Hokage appeared before her, Hinata couldn't help but become depressed. She knew it was coming, and for good reason. She almost got Kiba killed on their last mission.

An easy, weed-pulling mission.

She wasn't even sure how she had managed it, but she had, and that's all that mattered.

"Tsunade-sama has requested your presence, Hinata-san."

Hinata nodded her head and looked to the floor. She wouldn't fight this.

Turning on her heal, Shizune began to lead the way. Before she made it far, however, Kiba and Shino got in her way.

"You can't do this! It's not fair!" Kiba yelled.

"I agree with my teammate fully, Shizune-sama," Shino added.

Kurenai sighed. She wanted to side with Kiba and Shino desperately, but knew she couldn't go against the Hokage's orders. Not even for Hinata.

The look in Hinata's eyes told her she understood just what was happening, and she accepted it.

"Kiba-kun, Shino-kun, please," she begged. The thought of them dying for her caused her pain. "I don't want to risk you guys getting hurt."

Shino frowned, but nodded his head. Hinata's eyes were pleading with him to move out of her way. If he were in her shoes, he would have done the same thing.

"I understand."

Kiba looked at Shino incredulously, and yelled, "How could you, Shino! She's our comrade, our friend!"

"It's because she is our friend that I am moving out of her way," Shino replied. "I would want you to do the same if I were in the same predicament she is in."

"Bastard! You know what will happen if she goes! How could you? I thought we were a team, a pack!"

Realizing it was the only way; Hinata took a deep breath and tapped her hand against Kiba's neck while he was turned away from her.

The look of betrayal stung her more than any hit ever could.

"I'm sorry," she said to his falling form.

Shino caught their friend, and looked to Hinata, "We'll always be your friends no matter what, Hinata."

Hinata nodded her thanks, as she pushed back the tears that were about to fall, "I know."

Turning around, she slowly followed Shizune.

If she hadn't been so lost in thought she would have noticed Shizune was clenching her hands so tight that her nails were making her palms bleed.

Shizune understood where Tsunade was coming from, she did; but, she _did not_ agree with her choice.

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"So, let me get this straight. The Hyūga Heiress is messing up the most basic of missions?"

Tsunade nodded, "Yes."

"She almost got her teammate killed pulling weeds?"

"Yes."

"And now, because of that, you want me to take her on as an apprentice or you'll kick her out of the ninja ranks where she'll ultimately be sealed, and possibly executed by her clan?"

"Precisely."

Anko glared, "You know how I feel about the Hyūga and their use of seals, that's why you asked me, isn't it?"

The idea of someone getting sealed against their will was a sore spot for Anko. Just the thought of it made her neck tingle.

Tsunade, however, didn't answer that question, "So will you do it?"

"I don't know…I'm real busy with interrogations and what not…"

"I'll let you make a flashy entrance?" Tsunade said, deciding the loss of her window was worth it.

Anko's eyes lit up. She really did love her flashy entrances. However, she wasn't about to let it go at just that.

"I want all-you-can-eat free dango for as many years as she is my apprentice."

The only thing better than dango was free dango, after all.

Tsunade began to sweat. She knew Anko's appetite for dango almost outmatched Naruto's appetite for Ramen. She could easily eat more than three times her body weight in one sitting.

Tsunade's head fell forward. The cash she kept aside to keep her drinking problem going would be cut in half if she agreed.

"How about free dango two days a week for the entire time you are her mentor?"

Crossing her arms she said, "Six days."

"Three."

"Five."

"Four, and that's my final offer."

After thinking it over for a moment, she nodded her head.

"Fine. But I get to choose where I get the dango from, no matter the cost."

Tsunade looked as if she were going to decline, but shook her head against it. Just how expensive could dango be, anyway?

If only she realized…

"Deal."

Too late now.

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_Crash!_

Tsunade's head flew up when her door slammed opened; the force was so powerful, the hinges had given out and the door crashed heavily to the ground.

Tsunade's eyebrow rose in curiosity when she realized it was Shizune who had caused such damage.

'_How in the…?' _

She never taught her how to use her super human strength…

And since when could Shizune look so scary? If Tsunade were a lesser Kunoichi, she probably would have peed her pants. Even at her level, she began sweating from the tension.

"Calm down, Shizu-chan…" Tsunade whispered, using the nickname she gave her when she was a child.

"Calm down? CALM DOWN?! How can I calm down when you're about to ruin a young girl's life!"

"About that—"

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!"

"But I think you do want to hear—"

"NO! AND FOR THAT MATTER YOU CAN GO FIND YOURSELF A NEW APPRENTENCE! I'M THROUGH!"

Tsunade's mouth fell opened. She had never seen Shizune so mad.

"But if you just let me explain—"

"NO! NO! NO!"

Tsunade's eyes narrowed. She could only be cut off so many times before she exploded.

Standing to her full height, she released as much killing intent as she possibly could toward Shizune. She watched in satisfaction as it took full effect. Shizune let out a small "_eep"_ as she crashed to the ground.

"Now that you've shut up, I can explain what I've decided," turning to look at the young girl who looked about ready to vomit, Tsunade smiled, " I'm giving you one last chance, Hyūga, but if you fail this time, you will be demoted to civilian, got that?"

Hinata nodded her head meekly, "Y-yes, H-Hokage-sama."

"Good, now as I was explain—"

However, before she could finish, someone crashed through the window.

Tsunade sighed. She always was too early.

Hinata's eyes widened at who she saw. Soon after reading the sign the person held, she turned back to Tsunade, her face far greener than before.

Shaking in what could only be described as absolute horror, she calmly stated, "I think I would rather take my chances being demoted, thank you."

Bowing politely, she quickly turned on her heel to run from the room.

Tsunade's mouth hung open in shock. She knew Anko could be bad, but she wasn't so bad as to get such a reaction. Was she…?

This caused Anko to cackle hysterically; she loved when they tried to run. It made things so much more _interesting_. Using a snake she pulled from God knows where, she easily lassoed Hinata and pulled her close.

"Well too bad, Girly, your soul belongs to me now! Tsunade sold you to me for three years of the best dango in the village, and I plan on getting my reward. And maybe in the process I'll make a true Kunoichi out of you!"

Tsunade frowned, "You didn't have to say it like that, Anko…"

Anko shrugged, she didn't care. It was true. What would the point of lying to her slave—um, student—be?

Hinata's head fell is defeat.

Maybe living life as a sex slave wouldn't be too bad…?

Feeling a snake start to sneak up her shirt caused her to thrash about violently.

Nope, scratch that. It was going to be horrific.

"AHHHH!"

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Elsewhere in the bright, sunny village of Konoha, Kakashi's prized book slipped from his hands. If one were to know Kakashi, they would know he would rather die than drop his erotica, especially when said novel was a rare collector's addition signed by the Sennin himself. As it was, however, Kakashi didn't care.

The only thing he cared about was the scream he just heard.

That terrible, high pitched squeal could only mean one thing.

"Dear God, I know I don't pray very often, but please, PLEASE, don't tell me this means what I think it means. Amen."

Tears fell from his uncovered eye.

He already knew the answer.

There was an Anko #2 in the making.

"WHY, GOD, WHYYYYYY?!"

**_End._**


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